This isn’t going to be a full walkthrough review like my previous two reviews. The first reason being, it’s 10 fucking minutes long, and who the fuck would want to read a step by step synopsis of a 10 minute video on Youtube that would probably take longer to read than to watch? If your answer to that question is “Me!”, tough. Secondly, as this section is still fairly new, I’d like to try out some new things, and work out a proper format, so today I’m going to attempt a more proper review.

So, here’s another school project, which takes influence from the popular Resident Evil series of video games. As somewhat of a veteran of the series myself, I knew immediately that I would need to brace for impact and lower all expectations before attempting to watch this film. Sure enough, the entire cast is composed of 15 year old boys, and the filming locations amount to their own neighborhood and the inside of their homes. This does not bode well for a film with a setting in what is supposed to be a fairly urbanized city. At least some of the details from the games are retained, including a character introduction which pays homage to the live action character introduction of the first game [keeping close enough to form, though still victim to the low production values] and a story which acknowledges events from the game.

The story takes place some time following the Raccoon City incident of RE2&3, with a “special team” being sent in to “quarantine the remaining infected areas”. Of course, the problem here for fans of the series is that the entire city is obliterated by means of nuclear missile in the games, so obviously there must be nothing left. Did I say before the story acknowledges events from the games? Correction: It selectively acknowledges certain events, while completely ignoring key details. On the plus side, all the characters are named within the first minute of the film, so this should be easy to follow along with. I am actually impressed with [some of] the costumes, which do [slightly] resemble the combat garbs of the characters of the games, complete with “RPD” (Raccoon Police Department) insignias and patches. Well, of course, the problem here is that once Raccoon City was nuked in the original game, that would effectively kill every member of the RPD. Furthermore, some of the uniforms just pale in comparison to others, some amounting to little more than vest-on-t-shirt and baseball caps. And once again, like many student films, the audio suffers in the fact that as the camcorder is set further back, dialogue is made harder to hear. Don’t get me wrong, it’s leaps and bounds ahead of “Lee Inn!”, but it’s still something to be frowned upon.

Zombie makeup and special effects are revealed early on to be almost non-existent, more being left to the imagination I would suppose and requiring the actors to identify who is a zombie and who isn’t for the viewer. At the beginning one member of the team is bitten by a man who is nothing more than a guy in a white t-shirt. The issue of zombies taking multiple shots to kill is addressed early on, which might help viewers not intimately familiar with the series. Continuing with the story, after their team member is bitten, the team sees more zombies in the distance, and attempt to find refuge in a nearby house. The dialogue is showing itself to be cringe worthy already, including such gems as “I’m Mexican, I know what I’m doing!”. The team apparently separates into two groups, as indicated by white text on black background. The fact that half of the plot is developed in text cards is somewhat disheartening, and definitely falls under the category of “amateurish”. There’s a reason people stopped using text cards after the era of silent film: Because there are voices to establish progression and make that whole “dialogue” thing easier on audiences.

After a scene in a garage, the men find a radio and discover there are more survivors in the city [once again, revealed by text]. Apparently, they must now fight their way out of the house they broke into, which they do, dealing with several more zombies. After finding the survivors, an event which we are made privy to once again by means of on-screen text, the text reveals that they go back to find other survivors. It seems as if every major event is retold in the form of text card, leaving us only with the zombie shooting bits. This might appease a room full of kids, but for a critic, it’s an obvious weak point. Even the most raw action movies [take any of the generic “Schwarzenegger as a commando” or Steven Seagal action flicks] have minimal plot progression via spoken dialogue. As time goes on, we do get to watch several of the team members die of the infection and barricade themselves, but still, even the discovery of a vaccine (a concoction which is never addressed or believed to exist in the series). Then, the film just kind of abruptly ends, with the team’s new mission of finding whoever has “the antidote”, and a shot of them walking off into the distance. Following which, we are treated to an “extra” scene with an Asian boy being eaten by zombies while on the toilet, accompanied by crude farting sound effects. Classy.

If there is one lesson to be learned from this “Resident Evil School Project”, it is that text cards are tedious as all hell. It was acceptable back in days of silent movies, but the reason “talkies” were pioneered in the first place was because people didn’t appreciate having to read lines that are meant to be spoken, or having to get all their information on the story as it develops from text prompts. If the plot progressions were established by spoken dialogue, this project might at the very least have been salvageable; A poorly done student film that at least made an attempt and establishing a story and taking the viewer along for the ride. But with screen after screen of text tossed in seemingly randomly between shots, there is no sense of pacing and a viewer can lose interest easily. If there’s anything else to take away from this, it is that school projects should never delve into the realm of video games, especially ones that deserve better tribute than this.

“my middle school project, lee inn is the hotel just incase ur wondering and uh ENJOY!”

This film project, done by a student for his middle school (Which to most people would be reason enough to not watch it), opens with some generic WordArt effect on a generic colorful background. Because, when you think “Horror Movie”, you think bright colors, right? Let this set the tone for this six minute experiment in torture, and for exactly how close to it’s supposed “Horror Movie” theme it will be able to stick.

The first shot is of four young boys talking next to a row of lockers. Why the camera needs to be so far back and leave so much room around the subjects, there’s no absolutely no reason. Additionaly, with the camera so far back, almost all of the dialogue in the scene is unintelligible, not aided by the fact that the actors either all have some sort of speech impediment or aren’t taking the project seriously enough to put any effort into making their lines audible. I’ll admit, I did laugh at the black kid essentially playing up the fact he’s black, going through all the motions, something you might not expect middle schoolers to pick up on and incorporate into their script. Man, kids these days grow up so fast.

The next shot features our four protagonists walking together through what appears to be a cafeteria, despite the fact that at the end of the previous shot the group can clearly be seen going seperate ways and directions from each other. Either there’s some sort of non-indicated time lapse or the editor is a complete fucktard. I’m leaning towards the latter. There is more unintelligible dialogue spoken, and a cameraman’s attempt at trying to point something out in a sign that says “No Food or Drink Allowed”. Actually, I am unsure as to what the cameraman attempts to point out, as directly below the first sign is another sign indicating the auditorium. But, as the zoom incorporates both signs and zooms out after one second, we may never know. The boys file into the auditorium, for more unintelligible fucking dialogue.

You know, the fact that none of the dialogue is audible makes it very hard to critique this film as a critic; I can’t tell you the quality of the dialogue and writing itself, nor can I establish for myself the names of any of the characters or locations. It makes it harder to point things out, and gives me less content to work with. To solve the character name dilemna, I shall appoint the names of the characters now. Let’s see here… Blonde kid with the black t-shirt and red shorts is now known as “Blondie”. The kid in what appears to be a camo jacket with short black hair shall now be known as “Kermit”. Our other child in a black t-shirt with white shorts is now named “Maple”, and our token black boy is “Samuel Jones”. With that out of the way, let us resume the analysis, and continue with the scene.

For some reason unbeknownst to me, because hey, I can’t understand a single fucking word anyone is saying, Kermit tackles Samuel Jones, who falls onto Blondie as they all fall to the floor. I’d call “Hate Crime”, but for some reason I’m pretty sure Samuel Jones deserved it. Despite the fact they are obviously supposed to be fighting, they all seem to be laughing and having a good time. The cameraman is enjoying the event so much, he turns the camera away from all the actors in a laughing fit… OR SO YOU WOULD ASSUME, because it turns out the change in angle is made to make a door the subject of the shot, which slowly opens on it’s own revealing another child clad in that generic fucking “Scream” mask with the fake bleeding effect that every other kid wears on Halloween. I guess this the establishment of our “Villain” or “Mysterious Presence”.

Cut to a shot of a random asian boy with a bad haircut! Since it’s obvious we won’t be able to hear his name any time in the near future, let’s call him “Soo Fuu Young: The Bruce Lee Experience”. Soo Fuu Young shares some words with our main party, none of which are to be heard by the viewer for whatever reason. And for whatever reason, the shot drags on for a complete minute, with Soo Fuu Young joining the party for another stroll down a hallway with inaudible dialogue. There’s music now, but it is also inaudible, drowned out by the overly loud unintelligible dialogue. If I had to assume what is happening in this shot, based on the knowledge that this is a movie about a hotel, I’d assume Soo Fuu Young is an employee of the hotel (which is actually the school), and is showing our party to their room. And, of course, the only reason I can think of for four guys to be traveling with each other and renting the same room (which is actually a supply closet) is for gay sex, which I assume they have before the next shot in a deserted cafeteria. Okay, so maybe gay sex has not been had [yet], but for some reason, Blondie and the gang have teleported from the supply closet to an empty cafeteria. Either there’s been a time lapse, or the group just got scammed into sleeping on tables atop tile floor.

More dialogue is had, with another shot of our monster / killer / apparition / kid in a Scream mask. Kermit apparently spots him before he ducks behind a trash bin, which Blondie, Samuel Jones, and Maple proceed to give him shit for. The gang then returns to what I assume is their room… But wasn’t the cafeteria their room, or was that really a time lapse before? I have no fucking clue, because there’s no fucking dialogue to give me any sense of time or order. And for some reason, the cameraman made the bold decision to shoot this scene in slow motion, or the editor to reduce the frames per second in editing. The dialogue is as understandable as ever, and it is revealed Kermit likes to sleep on the tops of tables under a pink trash bag. Not through dialogue, but through watching Kermit fall asleep on a table using a pink trash bag as a blanket. The screen goes black, which can mean that the lights have gone off, there’s a time lapse, or that the cameraman has absolutely no fucking clue what he’s doing. This darkness continues for another minute, complete with more dialogue that, you guessed it, nobody besides the writer can recite to this day. Something wakes the party up, and everyone leaves the room in search of something (?). Everyone except Kermit, that is. Or at least I think it’s Kermit; the lights are still off, so you can’t really tell.

I have no clue what happens next, but I think Kermit sees a bunch of ghosts playing around, before he is killed by Scream and the rest of the kids magically teleport into the room. Woah, that’s a lot of development during an almost complete blacked out sequence. But sure enough, when the lights come on, Kermit is covered in blood, on top of a table, either not quite dead yet or doing a bad job of playing dead. Blondie and Maple discover that Samuel Jones is nowhere to be found, and proceed to leave their dead / dying buddy to, well, die, I guess. On the way out, they pick up a bloody knife (?!). They walk into Soo Fuu Young’s room, to find none other than the killer himself, who has the balls to show his face for a second, though I can’t honestly tell you who it is behind the mask due to the shit camerawork and to be honest, an almost complete lack of interest.

An intense (read, “incredibly lame”) chase occurs, and Maple and Blondie turn the tables on Scream, killing him, and revealing him to be none other than Soo Fuu Young himself (SPOILER ALERT)! So, he’s dead, and Blondie and Maple walk off leaving Samuel behind, never bothering to look for him (Some friends they are). And, of course, as the obligatory “last second shock moment” which every horror movie has insisted on including since the original Friday the 13th, Soo Fuu Young rises from the floor and walks off as if being repeatedly slapped by a toy plastic sword had no effect on him. Shocking. The credits roll, and once again, they don’t do a very good job of clearing up who’s who. Apparently, the guy who played the azn hotel manager and Scream is a guy named “Lee”, but as far as the kids are concerned, we are only given the names of the actors, and not the characters they played. I guess this means that the actors played themselves, but that still doesn’t help the viewer at all. It might be worth pointing out that the credits refer to the “Editors”, implying there is more than one, but the only listed editor is a kid named Jaren, who just so happens to be the cameraman as well. Go figure.

Following the credits is a blooper reel, which seems to be an obligatory included feature in all school film projects these days. Funnily enough, the bloopers are almost completely indistinguishable from the actual film, in terms of acting and quality.

So, in conclusion, I hate children. Lady fans, if you plan on getting in my pants, bring condoms; I don’t carry them.

“How do you deal with solicitors in a manner that is truely blackmetal? What if the solicitors are religious? Find out how Marvin Murkk and Billy Blasphemer do it in ‘Metalheads and Jehovah’s Witnesses’.”

So, the video opens innocently enough. Christmas Tree, television playing the Flintstones, and then we are introduced to our antagonists; Two men in full black metal facepaint playing Scrabble. And it is at this point the director decides to go for the obvious “Scrabble board” gag. Among the words on the board are such clever gag words as “Nihil”, “Grim”, “Satan”, and “Lucifer”. Clever, right?

As one character begins to speak, the camera abruptly cuts to what I assume is intended as an establishing shot of one character, but as the shot lasts for less than a second before changing to the other black metal guy, it fails in doing so and only serves to demonstrate just how fucking incompetent the editor is.

After another gag in which generic black metal faggot with the tuft references some other black metal terminology that I honestly know just barely enough about to write a review of this video, our “heroes” are taken off guard by an off-screen knock at the door. Just in case you weren’t sure if it was actual knocking, the editor makes sure to follow it up immediately with another shot of a hand knocking at the door, simultaneously establishing our two new characters. However, once again, the shot lasts for less than a second; Hardly ample time to qualify as an establishing shot.

The black metal guys creep towards the door in a poorly lit room, approaching a window upon which the camera focuses. You know what? I’m sick of not knowing what to call these black metal faggots. It might be nice if somewhere in the establishing first 50 seconds of the video, we could learn the names of the characters or something. So, until the writer informs me otherwise, our two heroes are “Tufty” and “Lippy”.

So, Tufty and Lippy peer out the window to find two Jehovah’s witnesses at their door. This is established by a series of close up shots on their business suits, a book with an illegible title due to poor lighting and camerawork, and smug demeanors. Of course, Tufty and Lippy do not immediately pick up on these totally OBVIOUS clues [or at least obvious to the writer], and proceed to debate on who exactly these strange men are. They are able to discern that they are “religious”, based on I have absolutely no idea, and are able to rule out their being Mormon based on a one second shot of the car we are to assume they rode in on.

After ruling out Mormons, obviously the only fucking choice left is “Jehovah Witness”, and they nail it. Good for them. Lippy is not pleased. This is revealed by a drawn out scream shot, complete with melodramatic falling to the floor and screaming. After an unnecessary fade to black transition [which I admit is at least a step above being assaulted by random 1 second interjection shots], a dialogue occurs between our two witnesses. Once again, no names, but it is revealed that our witness on the left [who I shall call “Mario”] has bad breath, and our man on the right [who I shall call “Luigi”] is capable of contorting his face until it resembles that of a wrinkled baby’s. And, similarly to Tufty and Lippy on the inside, neither of them appears to have taken an acting class a day of their lives.

Tufty and Lippy have some difficulty deciding how to deal with the witnesses. Tufty suggests cannibalism, but Lippy retorts that it would only bring them back next week. What the fuck is THAT supposed to mean? Do they mean some sort of fucking search party will come looking for them? Do they mean the police? Who the fuck knows; The writer thinks we should, so for the sake of getting this over with, let’s pretend we know what the fuck he’s talking about. Tufty and Lippy decide the best course of action is to scare the pair away, and we are taken back to Mario and Luigi for another HILARIOUS dialogue, which I suppose is there to suggest that Jehovah’s Witnesses are persistent in their peddling of their religion. This is news to me.

Black metal music begins to play, and actually, it just so happens that as the music begins, all other noise stops. This was either intended, in which case, it is a completely unnecessary effect, or an effect of the editors inability to combine music and sound layers within his video editing program. Tufty and Lippy assault Mario and Luigi, who retreat to their car. Mario is reluctant to start the car, because “bad things always happen” when he starts the car, supposedly. If this is the case, why didn’t fucking Luigi come in on the driver’s side? They set themselves up for trouble, and sure enough, once the car is started, Luigi has been magically transported outside of the car and replaced by Tufty.

You know, I was almost sure I heard Tufty say the plan was to scare Mario and Luigi away, yet in the scenes to follow, they seem hell bent on killing the Jehovah Witnesses. If you plan is to fucking scare them, send them back, and have them tell their friends not to come to your house, it doesn’t work if the victims of your scorn are FUCKING DEAD.

After a poorly choreographed cutscene between Tufty and Luigi, Mario and Luigi do manage to escape, though Tufty and Lippy still follow them for a few paces until they remember how fat they are, and how long the extension cord on their mother’s camcorder extends, and they decide to call it quits.

We are finally at the credits scroll, which does little to alleviate the confusion of the actual names of the characters, opting instead to show the first names of the actors over a montage of footage from the movie. Nice work, assholes. After the credits, comes an unintelligible scene with Tufty and Lippy sharing dialogue over the sound of a fan in the background, followed by the sound of a doorbell, followed by the video cutting off abruptly without as much as a fade to black or proper ending card (another editor’s problem?). This is, of course, followed by me closing out my browser window, and watching a real movie. Preferably something with gratuitous violence so I can juxtaposition the head of Sage Wright, the man behind this abomination, onto whoever is getting killed on-screen.